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How to Get That Job Of Your Dreams

May 11, 2004
Iíve been needing a good (vague) name for the company that I work atÖfor now, lets just call it Bobís Hogs and Weiner Pigs. This is actually painted on a real sign here in the town that I live in. In case youíre wondering where this sign is; it's on the road to my parentís house (on the right).

Dear Unemployed Guy Who Came Up To Me At The Cash Register This Morning While I Was Clearly Working On Something Else,

The first rule of getting a job somewhere is DO NOT PISS OFF THE PEOPLE ALREADY EMPLOYED THERE. Other how-to-get-that-job-of-your-dreams tips include:

∑ Donít stand at the customer service desk to fill out your application. And when I ask you if youíd like to sit down over there and fill it out, donít decline and continue to fill out the application (while still standing) at the customer service desk. You just failed your fist customer service test.

∑ When I tell you The Big Boss Lady of Bobís Hogs and Weiner Pigs is busy with a customer, donít to ask if you can speak with her anyway.

∑ When I tell you that you can give your application to me because the HR Manager isnít available donít tell me you spoke to him and he wants you to give him the application directly. I know the HR Manager. He hates applicants. He hates you. He would never say that to you.

∑ Donít come in and ask to speak to The Big Boss Lady about a possible job wearing a too small T-shirt, swim trunks, and flip-flops. If you want a job, dress up. You can dress like that once youíre hired.

∑ Donít give me a dirty look after youíve left the store and Iím walking out to my car. Youíre already not getting the job. You donít know how far my powers extendÖI could come back to haunt you, sucka.

Sincerely,

Ensie aka The Shit

A Special Message!

To the guy in the green Explorer who would NOT let me merge in front of him this morning on my way into work, approx. 8amóI am so sorry. Thatís right. Iím sorry. I didnít realize that you were a GIANT PENIS. If I had, I would have eased off the gas, instead of fighting for my spot at 65 MPH around a scary curve in a truck with questionable tire tread. I never would have tried to follow the usual merging rules (in case you need a quick update itís one car from Lane A, one care from Lane B, repeat indefinitely). Maybe you should think about getting a bumper sticker that states ďI AM A GIANT PENIS,Ē just so people can recognize you in the future.

8:04 p.m. :: 3 comments so far ::
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