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How to Get That Job Of Your Dreams

May 11, 2004
I�ve been needing a good (vague) name for the company that I work at�for now, lets just call it Bob�s Hogs and Weiner Pigs. This is actually painted on a real sign here in the town that I live in. In case you�re wondering where this sign is; it's on the road to my parent�s house (on the right).

Dear Unemployed Guy Who Came Up To Me At The Cash Register This Morning While I Was Clearly Working On Something Else,

The first rule of getting a job somewhere is DO NOT PISS OFF THE PEOPLE ALREADY EMPLOYED THERE. Other how-to-get-that-job-of-your-dreams tips include:

� Don�t stand at the customer service desk to fill out your application. And when I ask you if you�d like to sit down over there and fill it out, don�t decline and continue to fill out the application (while still standing) at the customer service desk. You just failed your fist customer service test.

� When I tell you The Big Boss Lady of Bob�s Hogs and Weiner Pigs is busy with a customer, don�t to ask if you can speak with her anyway.

� When I tell you that you can give your application to me because the HR Manager isn�t available don�t tell me you spoke to him and he wants you to give him the application directly. I know the HR Manager. He hates applicants. He hates you. He would never say that to you.

� Don�t come in and ask to speak to The Big Boss Lady about a possible job wearing a too small T-shirt, swim trunks, and flip-flops. If you want a job, dress up. You can dress like that once you�re hired.

� Don�t give me a dirty look after you�ve left the store and I�m walking out to my car. You�re already not getting the job. You don�t know how far my powers extend�I could come back to haunt you, sucka.

Sincerely,

Ensie aka The Shit

A Special Message!

To the guy in the green Explorer who would NOT let me merge in front of him this morning on my way into work, approx. 8am�I am so sorry. That�s right. I�m sorry. I didn�t realize that you were a GIANT PENIS. If I had, I would have eased off the gas, instead of fighting for my spot at 65 MPH around a scary curve in a truck with questionable tire tread. I never would have tried to follow the usual merging rules (in case you need a quick update it�s one car from Lane A, one care from Lane B, repeat indefinitely). Maybe you should think about getting a bumper sticker that states �I AM A GIANT PENIS,� just so people can recognize you in the future.

8:04 p.m. :: 3 comments so far ::
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